not lost anymore.

I recalled this one time, browsing random videos on Youtube and I happened to stumble across a video on a girl teaching how to put on a scarf.

That alone, wasn't weird. I swear there are so many videos on tutorials in recent years! But the one thing that caught my eye is, the title.

"How To Wear Sexy Hijab"

I remembered frowning, and mouth open. I was confused. What is the purpose and what on earth is this girl thinking??

Regardless, I think the video is actually poking fun on the subject (I think, because I didn't exactly watch the entire video) but really, it got me thinking.

For one thing, I'm glad I stumbled across the video as an adult. So it's a given I'd find the video rather hilarious and ridiculous and all other things similar. But imagine if a naive young girl trying to learn more on the subject, and stumbled across the video? And what kind of ideas would she have gotten, from the video and the entity of it all?

I won't elaborate or comment much on the hijabista/hijabster/whatever you want to call it nowadays, because I understand the sensitivity of the topic. I understand, a girl has this desire and need to be acknowledged and to be "in the trend". I understand, a girl has this overwhelming passion that whenever she sees something interesting, she'd want to be a part of it too.

I understand it all.

I was in that phase before; once I realized "whoaa there are so many ways we can wear the scarves!" and I started experimenting - some of which failed horribly, some of which stuck. Yeah, when I look back at those photos when I had this tudung Siti phase - who could forget?! - I'd be red with embarrassment. Granted, I was naive and young, I wanted to find that one thing that could suit me and stick.

I didn't regret going through that phase, because for me, it was necessary for me to be comfortable in my skin. I wanted something different and something I would find myself being loyal to.

And I'm glad that I could say I found it now.

I don't find myself still searching anymore, which is a good thing as an adult. The moment I realized I'm comfortable with the way I wear the scarf now, it was an overwhelming feeling because all girls know this one subject has always been our personal struggle - to wear or not, to be fully covered or not, what kind of scarves I'm going to stick to wear, etc. 

It's like a personality struggle, because once we decided to dedicate to wearing scarf, it's a part of our personality. I think that's why it becomes such a heated topic - majority of us cares about people perceive of us.

To be honest, I still feel like I'm in this journey - only that it's been easier than before. I think it's true; when you want to learn something, give yourself time and space - each of our journeys are different, and you definitely can't compare yourself with others.

Looking at the current trend, I'd just pray that someday, we'll all find the one thing we'd stick to and comfortable with. It was a phase I had to go through - and I'm glad I did - so I hope other people would find it someday too. There's nothing wrong with experimenting; yes, but make sure you do something with honesty and dignity (without making a fool of ourselves - now THIS is tricky) and make sure you have fun with it too! Islam doesn't preach this thing to be such a hassle.