These past few weeks have been a roller coaster to me. Met so many of my good friends whom I have not seen in a while, met long-lost relatives during Raya break, also met some colleagues I haven't seen since years ago.
What a time it has been.
I realized that once we are in our mid 30s, we have encountered troubles in our lives - be it in relationships, career, family, marriage etc. The problems seem to be of similar circumstances; friends who we lost contact with, family we don't seem to relate anymore, toxic working environment, spouses whom we don't seem to connect even after years of marriage, etc. To me, hearing these problems coming from my friends' own experiences seems brutal - I've always fancied myself having such drama-free friends and rarely ever gotten themselves in serious problems.
Until I hit my 30s, and somehow all these drama just came out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I have my own drama too - socmed is just a front. If you've seen my Instagram account it is just a place for me to publish pretty pictures (in my head they're pretty anyway) and nothing more. Sometimes I ramble there; and completely conveniently forgotten the fact that I have my blog to do that.
Well, now is maybe the time. That I ramble.
If there's one thing I wish I could tell my friends, about relationships and marriages - it's this:
- If they don't love you anymore, let go. Regardless if you have kids - a loveless marriage isn't worth saving for your children. They deserve a loving set of parents, if not more. So for me, once you're certain you're holding on to the marriage just for their sake, and that your spouse isn't IN LOVE with you anymore - just let go, and find someone who truly loves you. And if you think there's no one in this world will do, or that all men are the same, you cannot be more wrong.
- Let go, and learn to love yourself first. If there's one thing I have learned from my own experience, you cannot expect someone else to love you if you're not happy with yourself. It's such a tragedy when someone does not think she doesn't deserved to be loved, even by herself; cause there's so much to love when you look at yourself.
- Once there's abuse in a marriage, LEAVE. A big mistake a person would make in this situation is to think that they will change for the better, or that they will not harm the kids, or that they still love you despite the abuse, or that they're still a good person - abuse is a toxic trait, and unless that person gets treatment, they will not change. Especially when the abuse has affect the person's mental health; it's really not easy to recover and it's such a shame cause this could've been prevented. I feel so sad whenever I hear about these cases - and they exist. I wish I could tell them how valuable they are and how wrong for them to be treated this way. I wish they could find a way out sooner, but everyone's circumstances is different.
- You deserve to be the one, and the only one. If your spouse treats you as an alternative, or that they could not make a choice between you and someone else, LEAVE. I've learned throughout the years that a good choice makes all the difference.
Maybe it's my upbringing - my mom is a single mother (dad passed away when I was 15, and my mom has single-handedly brought 4 of us up till now) and I saw how much she endured. And it forged a belief in me that I can survive anything, on my own, and that I don't need others to be happy. And I'm quite content in that belief. It even baffles me that I have to say this out loud, to have to tell others that another person's love does not validate their happiness.
When you deserve so much love, why waste your time for someone who don't appreciate you, who don't put you as their number 1? 💓
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