making changes

Recently, I was faced with the biggest test in my life - spiritually.

I faced it before, and it went down horribly. My faith was shaken, my mind couldn’t stop thinking about it and blaming myself for it, affected my body and health too – I couldn’t eat or sleep or just function properly. Hormones went haywire, I was basically emo day and night. Felt like it was the end of the world to me, because the world that I’ve known before was changed forever the moment it happened.

It was..hell. And I kept it to myself – I told no one about it and dealt with the matter by myself. It was the first time that I was feeling so down and sad and depressed, feeling shitty about myself and the world. Don’t know how I recovered – I even went out and bought countless Islamic books to help give me some perspectives and peace but later on, I realized that time do heals.

Then..it happened again. Recently.



But this time, it was different. I was shaken at first, but I realized that I recovered..better.

Took some time to dwell (because we’re human after all), but I didn’t let myself to be in the bubble far too long, like before. (I was detached from outside world for days) Mainly because I realized that I’m stronger this time around, and that my faith is somehow stronger, too.

I finally realized that there’s nothing I can do or no one I can turn to for help, except to God.

It was like a liberation. It's like a slap to my face that I haven’t properly read the Quran for years, especially since I had Rayyan because my time was solely focused on him (when it’s not him, it’s my husband and social media, I know – such a bad state to be in). Then I realized..

Maybe it’s a wakeup call for me to change. Maybe it’s His signal to tell me to turn to Him, above everything/anyone else.

So I did.

I started reading the Quran again. Whenever I was reminded of the bad things that happened, instead of drowning in my own misery, I went to pick up the Quran and read. It’s become a habit now that after Zuhur I would spend some time to read surah Maryam (used to read it while I was pregnant with Rayyan because people told me it helps during labor). I frequent Quran translation websites a lot whenever I feel like I needed some strength – and the words from Quran never fails.

After a while, I could see some change. I feel stronger. I feel like I could depend on myself again, instead of blaming myself.

It was never about me. I know that now, and it somehow gives me some sort of liberation – I feel stronger and happier, instead of depressed and ashamed.

I remember that whenever people come to me to tell me their problems, I used to say, you can never change a person – but you can change how you feel about them or how you deal with the problem. So I decided to follow my own advice.

“16. God guides with it whoever follows His approval to the ways of peace, and He brings them out of darkness into light, by His permission, and He guides them in a straight path.” (Surah Al-Ma’idah)

Maybe the road to recovery for me is still very far, but I feel assured now that nothing could shake my faith. If before I didn’t write about it in this blog because I’d hate to be reminded of the horrible state I was in years ago, now I want to be reminded of how I dealt with the situation and how it has affected me.

And insyaAllah, I know God will help me go through this.