Peaked

This time last year, I was over the moon.

Reached a milestone in my career and felt so grateful that my hard work in the past years felt…justified? (I hope this is the correct word to describe, if not I’m screwed cause my officemates read this blog T.T)

This year, I felt a certain familiar feeling crept up. Performance review was coming up and as I looked through my documents and reports, I realized this fact.

I peaked. Last year, I peaked. So this year, I made a vow to continue the momentum – at least to get something tangible in numbers (LOL how engineer-y) that I’d be able to look at and feel proud of.

But it was difficult, too.

Let me tell you a story.

During high school, I was a (somewhat) hardworking student. Compared to my peers who are mostly from the city, I hailed from the north – 4 hours journey by car to KL and there I was, in Form One, enrolled in an all-girls boarding school with nothing fancy in my background to set me apart from them nor did I look like I belong in a cheerleader team. I was ordinary (at least I thought I was) and I was homesick to death and the school felt like a foreign place which I had yet to learn to love at that time.

Except that by heart, I knew I have always loved learning. So I studied like mad. Everytime I felt like breaking down, missing my parents, missing the quiet little place I called home; I opened the books and studied. Weeks before the final year exam in Form One, I woke up at 5 am and read the books. It was like a safe place for me to get away from everything.

Then, somehow when the final year result came out – I was the Top Student in my batch. And I remember that time, I was on my way to class when I saw Vivy waving from her dorm’s window, congratulating me (as we all know she’s VERY competitive, so beating her in the finals was like an award in itself LOL) that I found out and then I realized..

When you want something bad enough, you somehow make it happen - despite all odds.

But then the next year, in Form Two, it was hell.

I became obsessed with getting good grades, so I studied but apparently it wasn’t enough and let’s face it, boarding school is full of smart girls all hail from different backgrounds – you would have to evolve if you want to compete and succeed. (I made all-girls boarding school sounds like hell kan HAHA) At the end of Form Two, I was the second place in my batch for final year exam – and I was on the phone with my dad, crying helplessly muttering these words,

I failed. I was the second place. I wanted to be the top student.

And my dad said,

No, you succeed. Never say you’ve failed after all the hard work you’ve put in. I’m still proud of you.

Be grateful because others would dream to be in your place.

I remember that time. It sounds ridiculous I know, but at that time, getting second place instead of the first was the worst feeling for me because just the year before, I was on top.

I felt that feeling again this year. And those words by my late dad kept ringing in my head, that I should be grateful. Maybe I peaked last year, whatever that means - but I shouldn’t put this burden on myself this year, expecting that it’d be the same. Maybe I didn't even peak, that it was all just purely coincidence and I have to keep myself grounded; set my eyes on the prize and keep striving. Without any time limit.

Different year, different tasks. Things surely aren’t the same but it’s still me – that has never change. 

And I pray that I’d never will.